You can never hold back spring (from The tiger and the snow soundtrack), as you cannot hold back what is lying deep down inside you, what is craving to come out, what you have hidden and forgotten for ages, what is truly significant and worthwhile. And as today the sun was shining in Girona, I smelt some spring in the air and I couldn’t hold back myself anymore. I could’t fake that I didn’t have time or that I was tired, I couldn’t pretend I had other things to do, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. My self was desperately shouting at me for some time now and I have only heard it today. And thank God I did, because it’s such a pitty to ignore one’s self…you grow shallower every day, you leave your true passions behind, you lose patience, you create patterns, you are opaque, you don’t know how to read (between the lines) or see (what is hidden to common eyes) anymore.
I have been sick for three days, feeling awful, feeling alone, abandoned, stranded on an island with no exits, hurt, captured by my own insecurities and fears, clinging on the idea that the answers are somewhere, in a different time and era. But today I woke up feeling better, wanting to go out and grasp this rare February sun, that invited everyone for a stroll today. I had coffee with a friend and then I went for short walk around the house – I had sun in my eyes and hair, I saw two birds chasing each other up a tree, I passed by a cementery and beautiful fresh flowers were shining along every tomb, I had green in my lungs from the rich meadows and, at the end of the walk, a smile started to appear on my face.
It had been almost exhilarating and I wanted more. It takes courage. To enjoy it. The hardcore and the gentle. Big time sensuality, says one of Bjork’s songs. I would dare to say that it takes courage to meet with ones’ self without being shocked or running away, without escaping or faking the experience. It’s simple, revealing and healing. After an hour or so, I took the car and drove to Sant Gregori, at approx. 10 min. from Girona. The sun was still up in the sky and I was craving to get more liberty and feel even more at ease. I found a parking spot and I began walking around.
Sant Gregori is a small town, with little to offer, but with chic houses and splendid views, where old and modern gently mix up. There is an avenue that goes to the church, which I took. There was a smell around that reminded me of the good old days up at my aunts’ house, at the countryside, where all the family used to gather up in spring. It’s not spring yet, but my involuntary memory referred to that. We used to have our coffee on the porch, on a very old small table, that was almost falling apart :P, and we would gaze at the flowers in the courtyard for hours. And it smelled like winter and spring together, with a note of fire wood, goldregen and grass. So I continued down this alley, drawn by the smell, and discovered the town church and then the tennis court. Then a pink house with a lit lantern on the front door, a playground and a small sculpture with an inscription by Miquel Marti i Pol on it…Basically, I wasn’t doing anything and I was actually doing so much. I was spending time with myself, regaining all the lost time, making a vacuum of all the daily junk, thinking of nothing and letting my thoughts associate involuntarily…what a precious thing, that I hadn’t done in ages and that my body and mind were hungry for.
On the way back, I saw two cats sitting on top of their owners’ car, while they were still inside 😛 Perhaps they were looking for some quality time as well? For comfort? The third one was miaowing its way to the car door…It was late now and families were starting to take on the streets, as these are Carnival days. A little boy in a crib dressed up as a polar bear, a bee princess little girl, three kids dressed up as pirats waving at the cars, and an old man, all alone, with no desguise, speaking to himself, standing on a chair in a front of a closed restaurant. He said “Good afternoon” when I passed by…And there it was again – the smell, the road home, the memory lane, the path to happiness and welfare, the forever lost period. I smiled and I walked to the car. Policemen were surveilling all the crossways, respectfully saying Hi and ignoring the festive cheer. At the vet’s house, the tree in front still preserved some Christmas balls.
I was and I am happy. I have lived wonderful and everlasting moments this afternoon. Simple, nothing elaborated, nothing prepared. Not alone, but with my self, authentically listening to each other. Moment(s). I have remembered that life is made of moments like this one and is not a thousand pages novel. It’s made of various novellettes, I would say. And in the end, it’s all about you and your self. Because your parents, your friends, your boy/girl friends, your husbands/wives, pets, will only be there for a determined period of time and, moreover, if you are not at ease with your self, being at ease with all the others will not be an easy task. They are priceless moments in your life as well and you can only make them memorable if you first make your self open and available once more, to receive all they have to give. and to give back, in return, all your gratitude.Then, it will be a moment no one can ever take from you 😉